TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it would feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That's the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical growth-slash-luxurious real estate property calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Sure, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. And not the standard Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are conversing Damascus, the town historically recognized for ancient lifestyle, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It may be great. Great!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed from your putting environmentally friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We have experienced gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. A number of the very best. But now, we are making them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and entirely out of put. Developed by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A a few-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour until the drone flies")




  • Plus a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 yrs for potable water. But Indeed, positive, let us have One more put wherever American men can put on robes and call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas coverage analysts are contacting this the most audacious peace attempt given that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. While previous negotiations unsuccessful less than the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is easier: supply All people a suite about the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by documents revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is smooth ability," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a agreement and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock requirements fewer diplomats plus more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms put in in Every single unit. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination observed, "It's not that Trump should not open up a tower in the war zone. It truly is that he really should quit using it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested in regards to the venture, replied, "You know, gentleman, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic men and women. Fantastic tan. In any case, do I however have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility from the Levant."



Satellite Images Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the hotel's landscaping types an enormous Trump head seen from Place, a feature currently being promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents and the chin is… very well, classified.


Environmental teams Trump Tower Damascus have submitted lawsuits following discovering the building's gold plating reflected so much sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established fireplace to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It truly is not merely hideous. It is a war crime with curtains," said Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Baffling Capabilities


Probably the strangest component from the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium wherever company may possibly ponder vague disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, finish with climate control established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Area Syrians are Doubtful what to make of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-yr-outdated Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting Approach: "When you Bomb It, They Will Occur"


The advertisement campaign, recently leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is Endlessly."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll done inside a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% claimed "where's the nearest elevator for the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Finally, a Disaster That Pays"


The job is by now attracting consideration from Global investors, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll acquire a few penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial stage may even incorporate:




  • A Dollar Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Depending on the Iraq War





Comment Portion Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the disclosing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot wait to check out a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as opposed to rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a hotel in which my PTSD may have flip-down support."


Another write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian just asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officials get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Reviews suggest:




  • China may possibly open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to construct a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights run by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best ground "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Remaining Feelings in the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that concerned three camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It desired gold. It required a waterslide shaped such as the Constitution. I gave it all three. You're welcome."

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